Hannah (my 4-yo daughter) was playing with her friend (we'll call her Sarah) and Sarah's brother, Michael, in the yard, when I heard their playful but innocently cruel voices: "Michael's not cute! Michael's not cute!" Sarah's dad, not entirely understanding what the girls had said, acknowledged that Michael was on all four acting like a dog and looking a bit funny.
I did hear what the girls had said, so I called Hannah over, and pointed out that this was lashon hara (hurtful speech). Hannah quickly ran over to Sarah to tell her to stop because it was lashon hara. Sarah's dad gave me a quizzical look--he is Jewish but not observant. I told him that I am pretty strict on lashon hara with my daughter. He said, "I guess if that's your thing, that's fine," which was followed by an awkward but accomodating pause.
Later, after changing the subject and taking the girls for a potty break, I asked him why he didn't use that category with his daughter. He didn't really believe in organized religion, he told me, or see it's necessity in transmitting values. He thought maybe I did all this because I am more spiritual, but I assured him i really haven't been feeling all that spiritual (with all the diapering, feeding, and snack preparation). I just think children need a strong ideological and cultural framework for values as well as specific examples of what it means to be a good person.
This is, I think, the crux of the issue. I don't have much use for "organized religion" as an abstract concept--it's pretty sterile, and who among us really prefers being organized rather than spontaneous? But I truly believe (and this more than anything else is why i stay in the rabbinate) that Judaism has a repository of wisdom and techniques designed to hone our ethical sensitivities. There is a wonderful story about the Chofetz Chayyim, that he once said how you can test a student's knowledge of tractate Nezikim, the incredibly difficult section of Talmud dealing with damages. He said that if someone is visiting your house, and a breeze is coming in the window, and you get up to close the window, then you've studied it properly. Regular Torah study, prayer, kashrut, and much of the regimen of halachah is designed to reinforce this sensitivity. Making us Rahamim, compassion, in the words of the 14th century commentator Nahmanides.
Sadly, it can be applied stupidly or even perversely. The Forward reports the inane prescriptions of fasting imposed on masturbators by Rabbi Batzri (see::) and his generous offer to replace the fast by a fee payable by credit card. Even worse are people who, in the name of religion, are hateful, racist, judgemental, etc. All of this is truly hillul hashem--a "desecration of God's name" which turns people away from religion through banality or even outright evil.
But organized religion (specifically Judaism) gives my daughter a developing sensitivity to how she speaks, which secular culture does not. How will Sarah's father train her not to speak lashon hara? Will he be able to reach the same level of sensitivity and care you get from studying the Hofetz Hayyim? Clearly our own society lacks this sensitivity to lashon hara, to saying anything negative about another person unless absolutely necessary. She gets it not by feeling Jewish, not by learning to chant Hebrew, but by being trained in the serious values at the core of our religion. I study Torah with her regularly (veshinantam levanecha), using especially the amazing childrens' books put out by Mesorah. Will all of this Torah study pay off in terms of her behavior? We will see...
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You have to close the window because things might get blown off the shelf? Someone might not like drafts or someone might like a cool breeze in the summer. There are many reasons to shut or not shut a window. Please explain...
ReplyDeleteI read "you don't need religion...you just need empathy." People don't want people speaking poorly of them. The problem with teaching so many laws is that people can just follow laws and eventually desensitize them self and not be as empathic. Being empathetic...you look at a person's face and listen to their voice for changes and ask them how they feel. This needs to be taught just as much as Torah. Being empathetic...you respect others' boundaries. As you said people in the name of religion do a lot of hateful stuff. I am glad you think like this because you are a rabbi. The best people came from strong religious values...like Gandi, MLK and Michael Moore. But so did the worst like these fundamentalists who blow up things and spew hate.I think the concept of avoiding lashen horah is beautiful and good for everyone...but getting people to think deeply why it is wrong is just as important. I know too many Jews who keep kosher kitchens but love their gossip as it's a wonderful hobby. I think people who feel badly about themselves and don't know how to bond properly do this the most. Halacha doesn't seem to stop this --though it stops them from eating bacon....:( If true empathy was taught more people would follow more mitzvot and perhaps more people would be vegetarians as well. Not only doing less harm to animals but less harm to their body and the environment. Empathy and Torah must be taught in tandem and empathy can't be assumed that it will blossom out of the teaching of torah...I wish it would and it always did. There are too many sad stories with observant Jews. I see my religion as beautiful three points of ethics, culture and spirituality. I love it...and value it but ...but...but...I went on too long already....empathy can't be replaced by religion.
Sally,
DeleteThanks for your wonderfully thoughtful response!
My point is, we need a systematic way to teach ethics, which is exactly what Judaism is. You wrote "Empathy and Torah must be in Tandem"--exactly.
Halachically, there's no obligation to close the window--it's a situation of grama, indirect causality, which technically you're not responsible for. His point was that really the goal of Torah study is to develop our sensitivity so that we notice and respond to his discomfort.
The problem with my argument is that often religion is taught and practiced badly (i.e. empty rituals which don't reflect deep values), resulting in what you are describing. All I can say is we need to create more institutions which teach judaism as a spiritual practice of deep ethical introspection. We need to make it bloom through how we teach and practice it at all ages.