Hannah (my 4-yo daughter) was playing with her friend (we'll call her Sarah) and Sarah's brother, Michael, in the yard, when I heard their playful but innocently cruel voices: "Michael's not cute! Michael's not cute!" Sarah's dad, not entirely understanding what the girls had said, acknowledged that Michael was on all four acting like a dog and looking a bit funny.
I did hear what the girls had said, so I called Hannah over, and pointed out that this was lashon hara (hurtful speech). Hannah quickly ran over to Sarah to tell her to stop because it was lashon hara. Sarah's dad gave me a quizzical look--he is Jewish but not observant. I told him that I am pretty strict on lashon hara with my daughter. He said, "I guess if that's your thing, that's fine," which was followed by an awkward but accomodating pause.
Later, after changing the subject and taking the girls for a potty break, I asked him why he didn't use that category with his daughter. He didn't really believe in organized religion, he told me, or see it's necessity in transmitting values. He thought maybe I did all this because I am more spiritual, but I assured him i really haven't been feeling all that spiritual (with all the diapering, feeding, and snack preparation). I just think children need a strong ideological and cultural framework for values as well as specific examples of what it means to be a good person.
This is, I think, the crux of the issue. I don't have much use for "organized religion" as an abstract concept--it's pretty sterile, and who among us really prefers being organized rather than spontaneous? But I truly believe (and this more than anything else is why i stay in the rabbinate) that Judaism has a repository of wisdom and techniques designed to hone our ethical sensitivities. There is a wonderful story about the Chofetz Chayyim, that he once said how you can test a student's knowledge of tractate Nezikim, the incredibly difficult section of Talmud dealing with damages. He said that if someone is visiting your house, and a breeze is coming in the window, and you get up to close the window, then you've studied it properly. Regular Torah study, prayer, kashrut, and much of the regimen of halachah is designed to reinforce this sensitivity. Making us Rahamim, compassion, in the words of the 14th century commentator Nahmanides.
Sadly, it can be applied stupidly or even perversely. The Forward reports the inane prescriptions of fasting imposed on masturbators by Rabbi Batzri (see::) and his generous offer to replace the fast by a fee payable by credit card. Even worse are people who, in the name of religion, are hateful, racist, judgemental, etc. All of this is truly hillul hashem--a "desecration of God's name" which turns people away from religion through banality or even outright evil.
But organized religion (specifically Judaism) gives my daughter a developing sensitivity to how she speaks, which secular culture does not. How will Sarah's father train her not to speak lashon hara? Will he be able to reach the same level of sensitivity and care you get from studying the Hofetz Hayyim? Clearly our own society lacks this sensitivity to lashon hara, to saying anything negative about another person unless absolutely necessary. She gets it not by feeling Jewish, not by learning to chant Hebrew, but by being trained in the serious values at the core of our religion. I study Torah with her regularly (veshinantam levanecha), using especially the amazing childrens' books put out by Mesorah. Will all of this Torah study pay off in terms of her behavior? We will see...
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Yom Kippur 5774: Seeing the Miraculous
NB: this essay is really a collage, incorporting sermons by Alfredo Borodowski, Gerald Zelizer, Ed Farber, & Shraga simmons, as well as some references I added in.
The fire and the altar were ready. The knife was touching Isaac’s throat when the angel of God shouted “Abraham, Abraham, stop!”
“Abraham looked up, [and] saw a ram caught in the thicket by its horns” At that moment, when Abraham needed a sacrifice to substitute for Isaac, the perfect replacement appeared before his eyes: a ram, ready for sacrifice.
So where did the ram come from? Did it just end up in the wrong place at the wrong time?
In typical rabbinic fashion there are two opposite opinions as to the pedigree of this ram.
1) One opinion, strongly maintained by Rabbi Eliezer, is that prior to getting caught in the bush the ram was just grazing nearby in the hills. The specific ram Abraham saw was no different from any other ram.
2) In the opposite corner, Rabbi Joshua, who often debated with Rabbi Eliezer, maintains that this ram was created on the sixth day of creation, on the eve of the first Shabbat, for the very purpose of being ready to replace Isaac. Where was the ram kept since the time of creation? The ram was suspended in time, grazing in the Garden of Eden under the tree of life
What a strange debate! What difference does it really make if the ram was grazing in the hills of Judea or in Paradise, or in a backyard in Brooklyn? What could bring these two distinguished sages to argue about such a seemingly irrelevant question? What really divided these two sages?
Rabbi Joshua’s and Rabbi Eliezer’s positions are diametrically opposed. Rabbi Joshua, who brings the ram all the way from paradise, actually does not believe in miracles. The ram had to be included as part of creation, embedded in the DNA of history, in order to be used at the precise moment that Isaac was saved. For him, there cannot be true spontaneous miracles, changing nature on the spot; only rare spectacular events programmed within the natural order.
On the other hand, Rabbi Eliezer, who believes that the ram was like any other, finds the miraculous in everything. For him God can work miracles at any time either through nature or by breaking the laws of nature.
Let me ask you a question. If I were to give you a choice, whose opinion would you follow? Would you follow Rabbi Eliezer who believes that miracles really exist and present themselves in our lives, sometimes in ordinary ways and other times in extraordinary ways? Or would you follow Rabbi Joshua who believes that God has only a very limited supply of spectacular events, which are programmed within nature?
Each one of us has a slight preference either for Rabbi Joshua or for Rabbi Eliezer. Some of us are more skeptical and see the world mostly through the prism of reason. Others are enchanted by the beauty and mystery of the world and see God’s hand in ordinary events. Some of us see life in a very natural and progressive way. Others wonder about events that seem to be more than mere coincidences. Most of us vacillate between the two schools. Some days we feel that our lives are engulfed in the extraordinary and other days we wake up feeling that all that is around us is ordinary. Sometimes we feel we are victims of chance and randomness, while other times we feel we can glimpse a mysterious force steadily moving us in a certain direction.
Was the ram a miracle, or a coincidence?
Do I see world as miraculous or not?
Last summer, I read the Life of pi, a book which also came out as a movie.
Early on, the main character arranges to meet a friend of his, Mr. Kumar, who is religious, at a zoo, and happens also to run into his teacher, who is also named Mr. Kumar. He takes them both around the zoo, which they experience completely differently. After they all admire the creature, the rolls-royce of equides, Mr Kumar the teacher declares “equus burchelli boehmi.” Mr kumar the baker, on the other hand, just praises God. Mr. Kumar and Mr. Kumar are two different ways of approaching reality.
The main plot of the movie is that Pi, the main character, somehow survives a shipwreck, and survives on a lifeboat with a Bengal tiger aboard until they float to mexico. When they arrive, and Pi explains how he got there, the people who found him can’t believe him, and come up with different explanations.
Pi’s argument in favor of his story is not that it’s more plausible than theirs, but that “it’s a better story.” Sometimes seeing a zebra as equus burchelli boehmi is a better story, if I am studying evolution, biology, or medicine. But seeing a zebra as an amazing creation by God is a better story in the way it enriches my life, enables me to lead a life of meaning.
I can see the world scientifically, what heschel called dry facts, or I can see it as a miracle, as divine creation. Heschel calls this radical amazement. I can try to explain reality, describe it with scientific laws, which is very useful, but sometimes it is important to just be amazed that it exists, to be awed by the mystery behind a zebra, behind the sun and moon and stars, behind my own existence.
Celts have term: “think and thin moments”
The idea is that there is a veil between this world and the other world
Thin moments—moments/places where veil lifted
Very thin moments: recognition of miraculous forces itself upon us
Eric Weiner writes travel pieces for the New York Times. Weiner talks of “thin places” in travel. He says “It is admittedly an odd term. One could be forgiven for thinking that thin places describe skinny nations, like Chile; or cities populated by thin people; Los Angeles. No, thin places are much deeper than that. They are locales where the distance between heaven and earth collapse and are able to catch glimpses of the divine or the transcendent or the inscendent whatever. We are jolted out of all the ways of seeing the world.”
Eric Weiner says that a “thin place” is not necessarily a tranquil place or a fun one. Weiner, Disney World is not a “thin place.” Nor is Cancun. Those places may relax us, but they do not transform us. Weiner writes: “In thin places time is not something we feel compelled to parse or hoard. There is plenty of it to go around.
My experience outside of santé fe—seemed like there was a spiritual opening there, among cliffs west of santa fe, bordering a vast open plain leading to the city. I could imagine if I were a native American, wanting to burn incense there to mark the sacredness of the spot. Not incidentally, this was a location which had an unusual number of pictographs. Apparently I was not the first human to notice this place.
I also had the experience of standing on top of mt adams—saw the world spread out under my feet like a carpet, experienced awe at the grandeur of creation
For our people, Jerusalem is that place, where the veil becomes transluscent. This is why creation started there, the energies of divine creativity entered the material world through that nexus. This is why we pray facing Jerusalem.
The Messianic era is a time when the veil will be lifted, the world will be full of knowledge of god. And Shabbat is such a time, me-ein olam haba, a taste of the world to come.
Are there historical events where the veil is lifted?
Are we living in miraculous times?
Most of us would say no, miracles are something from the bible,
Maybe we believe it, maybe not, but that kind of thing doesn’t happen now
In the events of the book of esther, which we commemorate with purim, god doesn’t appear
Just like our time: God’s role in universe is hidden
But we acknowledge that god was behind our success
Splitting Red sea—you could say rare coincidence of tides and winds, shifting sand bard
Many have said exactly this: rambam says a miracle is just a unique natural event—but he still says it’s a miracle.
Why? Because we choose to see the miraculous
Haggadah: increase number of miracles to 50 & beyond
What about the Yom kippur war?
This week marks the 40th anniversary of the 1973 Yom Kippur War, when Syrian dictator Hafez al-Assad launched a war of annihilation against Israel. The Jewish state prevailed, but for a time things were in real jeopardy; many northern Israeli towns were evacuated and then overrun by the Syrian army. This was a modern day miracle
Some other recent miracles:
1) The first Jewish State in 2000 years was established and the combined armies of 7 Arab countries were beaten back in the War for Independence.
2) 600,000 Israeli Jews went on to absorb 800,000 Jews from the Arab countries into the new tiny Jewish state of Israel – something no country has ever been able to accomplish in such a short period of time.
3) The Soviet Jewry movement supported by the American Presidents and the Congress of the United States managed to bring down the iron curtain and it culminated in 1 million Soviet Jews moving to Israel. and an interesting anecdote, not only the white house, but even the Kremlin has an annual Hanukkah party!
4) for the first time in human history - white men –went into Africa to take blacks out – not to be slaves – but to take them from persecution to freedom in the land of Israel. Over 90,000 Black Ethiopian Jews were rescued and transferred to Israel –Israelis flew planes into the Sudan to take out Ethiopian Jews and the American Government paid the ransom and the bribes.
What do we expect a miracle to look like?
Do we expect a very large hand, the hand of God, reaching down from heaven?
Lifeboat story: drowning man praying to be saved
Boats come, throw him a rope
Dies; god: “why didn’t you grab on to the rope?”
What do we expect god’s hand to look like?
Look at Israel. Look at our survival. Look at your own life.
This is what a miracle looks like.
Living in the miracle is a choice
A choice to notice
A choice to be amazed by life, to live in awe & wonder
Not that it’s a different explanation, rejecting science
A choice to see the universe through the eyes of amazement
Contemporary debate over Hallel on Yom Ha’atzmaut:
We can choose to see Israel as a miracle, say Hallel,
Or we can choose to see it as just another fact
Heschel calls: a dry fact
If we choose to view life through the eyes of miracle, it transforms my approach to life.
Yehuda halevi: live a richer life—experience the spiritual side of everyday experience. Nourishes me, elads to a richer experience of life.
Realizing divine love inspires us to practice divine love
Today marks the 100 year anniversary Franz Rosenzweig’s non-conversion:
What happened? He was considering converting to Christianity, but he went to shul on yom kippur, and then announced it was unnecessary to convert. He subsequently wrote his magnum opus, the Star of Redemption, a theology defending Judaism.
In that work, Rosenzweig says there is a basic experience of god’s love & God’s command, in which god says: ‘love me’
Choosing to sense the miraculous, choosing to experiencing divine love in the world, inspires us to practice divine love.
We become each others angels,
each others miracles
the answer to each others prayers
As we begin a new year, I invite all of us to strive to fill the world with so many good actions that we will naturally increase the chances for the extraordinary. Like throwing a bottle into the sea of life, we never know the potential far reaching effects of a good simple action. Spread as many acts of goodness as you can, large or small, create moments of holiness, and use your wealth to help those in need. You never know how what is ordinary to you may be miraculous for somebody else.
May this be a year in which each one of us becomes a miracle for somebody else, perhaps without even knowing it.
The fire and the altar were ready. The knife was touching Isaac’s throat when the angel of God shouted “Abraham, Abraham, stop!”
“Abraham looked up, [and] saw a ram caught in the thicket by its horns” At that moment, when Abraham needed a sacrifice to substitute for Isaac, the perfect replacement appeared before his eyes: a ram, ready for sacrifice.
So where did the ram come from? Did it just end up in the wrong place at the wrong time?
In typical rabbinic fashion there are two opposite opinions as to the pedigree of this ram.
1) One opinion, strongly maintained by Rabbi Eliezer, is that prior to getting caught in the bush the ram was just grazing nearby in the hills. The specific ram Abraham saw was no different from any other ram.
2) In the opposite corner, Rabbi Joshua, who often debated with Rabbi Eliezer, maintains that this ram was created on the sixth day of creation, on the eve of the first Shabbat, for the very purpose of being ready to replace Isaac. Where was the ram kept since the time of creation? The ram was suspended in time, grazing in the Garden of Eden under the tree of life
What a strange debate! What difference does it really make if the ram was grazing in the hills of Judea or in Paradise, or in a backyard in Brooklyn? What could bring these two distinguished sages to argue about such a seemingly irrelevant question? What really divided these two sages?
Rabbi Joshua’s and Rabbi Eliezer’s positions are diametrically opposed. Rabbi Joshua, who brings the ram all the way from paradise, actually does not believe in miracles. The ram had to be included as part of creation, embedded in the DNA of history, in order to be used at the precise moment that Isaac was saved. For him, there cannot be true spontaneous miracles, changing nature on the spot; only rare spectacular events programmed within the natural order.
On the other hand, Rabbi Eliezer, who believes that the ram was like any other, finds the miraculous in everything. For him God can work miracles at any time either through nature or by breaking the laws of nature.
Let me ask you a question. If I were to give you a choice, whose opinion would you follow? Would you follow Rabbi Eliezer who believes that miracles really exist and present themselves in our lives, sometimes in ordinary ways and other times in extraordinary ways? Or would you follow Rabbi Joshua who believes that God has only a very limited supply of spectacular events, which are programmed within nature?
Each one of us has a slight preference either for Rabbi Joshua or for Rabbi Eliezer. Some of us are more skeptical and see the world mostly through the prism of reason. Others are enchanted by the beauty and mystery of the world and see God’s hand in ordinary events. Some of us see life in a very natural and progressive way. Others wonder about events that seem to be more than mere coincidences. Most of us vacillate between the two schools. Some days we feel that our lives are engulfed in the extraordinary and other days we wake up feeling that all that is around us is ordinary. Sometimes we feel we are victims of chance and randomness, while other times we feel we can glimpse a mysterious force steadily moving us in a certain direction.
Was the ram a miracle, or a coincidence?
Do I see world as miraculous or not?
Last summer, I read the Life of pi, a book which also came out as a movie.
Early on, the main character arranges to meet a friend of his, Mr. Kumar, who is religious, at a zoo, and happens also to run into his teacher, who is also named Mr. Kumar. He takes them both around the zoo, which they experience completely differently. After they all admire the creature, the rolls-royce of equides, Mr Kumar the teacher declares “equus burchelli boehmi.” Mr kumar the baker, on the other hand, just praises God. Mr. Kumar and Mr. Kumar are two different ways of approaching reality.
The main plot of the movie is that Pi, the main character, somehow survives a shipwreck, and survives on a lifeboat with a Bengal tiger aboard until they float to mexico. When they arrive, and Pi explains how he got there, the people who found him can’t believe him, and come up with different explanations.
Pi’s argument in favor of his story is not that it’s more plausible than theirs, but that “it’s a better story.” Sometimes seeing a zebra as equus burchelli boehmi is a better story, if I am studying evolution, biology, or medicine. But seeing a zebra as an amazing creation by God is a better story in the way it enriches my life, enables me to lead a life of meaning.
I can see the world scientifically, what heschel called dry facts, or I can see it as a miracle, as divine creation. Heschel calls this radical amazement. I can try to explain reality, describe it with scientific laws, which is very useful, but sometimes it is important to just be amazed that it exists, to be awed by the mystery behind a zebra, behind the sun and moon and stars, behind my own existence.
Celts have term: “think and thin moments”
The idea is that there is a veil between this world and the other world
Thin moments—moments/places where veil lifted
Very thin moments: recognition of miraculous forces itself upon us
Eric Weiner writes travel pieces for the New York Times. Weiner talks of “thin places” in travel. He says “It is admittedly an odd term. One could be forgiven for thinking that thin places describe skinny nations, like Chile; or cities populated by thin people; Los Angeles. No, thin places are much deeper than that. They are locales where the distance between heaven and earth collapse and are able to catch glimpses of the divine or the transcendent or the inscendent whatever. We are jolted out of all the ways of seeing the world.”
Eric Weiner says that a “thin place” is not necessarily a tranquil place or a fun one. Weiner, Disney World is not a “thin place.” Nor is Cancun. Those places may relax us, but they do not transform us. Weiner writes: “In thin places time is not something we feel compelled to parse or hoard. There is plenty of it to go around.
My experience outside of santé fe—seemed like there was a spiritual opening there, among cliffs west of santa fe, bordering a vast open plain leading to the city. I could imagine if I were a native American, wanting to burn incense there to mark the sacredness of the spot. Not incidentally, this was a location which had an unusual number of pictographs. Apparently I was not the first human to notice this place.
I also had the experience of standing on top of mt adams—saw the world spread out under my feet like a carpet, experienced awe at the grandeur of creation
For our people, Jerusalem is that place, where the veil becomes transluscent. This is why creation started there, the energies of divine creativity entered the material world through that nexus. This is why we pray facing Jerusalem.
The Messianic era is a time when the veil will be lifted, the world will be full of knowledge of god. And Shabbat is such a time, me-ein olam haba, a taste of the world to come.
Are there historical events where the veil is lifted?
Are we living in miraculous times?
Most of us would say no, miracles are something from the bible,
Maybe we believe it, maybe not, but that kind of thing doesn’t happen now
In the events of the book of esther, which we commemorate with purim, god doesn’t appear
Just like our time: God’s role in universe is hidden
But we acknowledge that god was behind our success
Splitting Red sea—you could say rare coincidence of tides and winds, shifting sand bard
Many have said exactly this: rambam says a miracle is just a unique natural event—but he still says it’s a miracle.
Why? Because we choose to see the miraculous
Haggadah: increase number of miracles to 50 & beyond
What about the Yom kippur war?
This week marks the 40th anniversary of the 1973 Yom Kippur War, when Syrian dictator Hafez al-Assad launched a war of annihilation against Israel. The Jewish state prevailed, but for a time things were in real jeopardy; many northern Israeli towns were evacuated and then overrun by the Syrian army. This was a modern day miracle
Some other recent miracles:
1) The first Jewish State in 2000 years was established and the combined armies of 7 Arab countries were beaten back in the War for Independence.
2) 600,000 Israeli Jews went on to absorb 800,000 Jews from the Arab countries into the new tiny Jewish state of Israel – something no country has ever been able to accomplish in such a short period of time.
3) The Soviet Jewry movement supported by the American Presidents and the Congress of the United States managed to bring down the iron curtain and it culminated in 1 million Soviet Jews moving to Israel. and an interesting anecdote, not only the white house, but even the Kremlin has an annual Hanukkah party!
4) for the first time in human history - white men –went into Africa to take blacks out – not to be slaves – but to take them from persecution to freedom in the land of Israel. Over 90,000 Black Ethiopian Jews were rescued and transferred to Israel –Israelis flew planes into the Sudan to take out Ethiopian Jews and the American Government paid the ransom and the bribes.
What do we expect a miracle to look like?
Do we expect a very large hand, the hand of God, reaching down from heaven?
Lifeboat story: drowning man praying to be saved
Boats come, throw him a rope
Dies; god: “why didn’t you grab on to the rope?”
What do we expect god’s hand to look like?
Look at Israel. Look at our survival. Look at your own life.
This is what a miracle looks like.
Living in the miracle is a choice
A choice to notice
A choice to be amazed by life, to live in awe & wonder
Not that it’s a different explanation, rejecting science
A choice to see the universe through the eyes of amazement
Contemporary debate over Hallel on Yom Ha’atzmaut:
We can choose to see Israel as a miracle, say Hallel,
Or we can choose to see it as just another fact
Heschel calls: a dry fact
If we choose to view life through the eyes of miracle, it transforms my approach to life.
Yehuda halevi: live a richer life—experience the spiritual side of everyday experience. Nourishes me, elads to a richer experience of life.
Realizing divine love inspires us to practice divine love
Today marks the 100 year anniversary Franz Rosenzweig’s non-conversion:
What happened? He was considering converting to Christianity, but he went to shul on yom kippur, and then announced it was unnecessary to convert. He subsequently wrote his magnum opus, the Star of Redemption, a theology defending Judaism.
In that work, Rosenzweig says there is a basic experience of god’s love & God’s command, in which god says: ‘love me’
Choosing to sense the miraculous, choosing to experiencing divine love in the world, inspires us to practice divine love.
We become each others angels,
each others miracles
the answer to each others prayers
As we begin a new year, I invite all of us to strive to fill the world with so many good actions that we will naturally increase the chances for the extraordinary. Like throwing a bottle into the sea of life, we never know the potential far reaching effects of a good simple action. Spread as many acts of goodness as you can, large or small, create moments of holiness, and use your wealth to help those in need. You never know how what is ordinary to you may be miraculous for somebody else.
May this be a year in which each one of us becomes a miracle for somebody else, perhaps without even knowing it.
Kol Nidre: Taking Back the Past
I want to start tonight with a very odd idea which we find in the megillah of Esther. King Ahashuerous, who has no idea of his own but is led by his advisors to approve wild acts of violence, sends out an order to kill the Jews. When Esther reveals that she is Jewish, the king does not revoke his decree, because the word of the king cannot be revoked, so he instead authorizes the Jews to fight back.
It’s an interesting idea: the decree of the king cannot be taken back. Once the king issues a statement, he can’t back down, he can’t change his mind.
What a terrible policy! How can you run a kingdom if you can never revoke a decree?
It is a problem we also face in our own relationships. We say harsh words which are hard to take back. We take strong positions, and paint ourselves into a corner. How do I take back, “I will never do that,” or “you’d better do this”, “don’t you dare do that?”? How do I take back, “you disgust me?” or “I hate you”? Or “I’m not going to talk to you again.”
Once I have spoken a harsh word, it is hard to take it back, so how do I continue? If I say I absolutely will not go, how can I then compromise without appearing weak? If I say, “I hate it when you do …,” how can I then back down to, “I really love and appreciate you”? How do I kiss and make up when the past is still real.
I want to share some Jewish wisdom on this issue. The three teachings that I am bringing are about peace, flexibility, and the importance of forgetting.
1. Peace
To move on from a fight, we also need to remember that peace, according to Judaism, is valued above everything else. In the Sotah ritual, when a suspected adulteress is put to trial, as part of the ritual a cohen dissolves a parchment with the divine name in a bowl of water. The Talmud tells us, that peace is so valuable that God lets his own name be erased for the sake of peace. Domestic harmony is more important than God’s honor, and certainly more important than my own.
We often forget that peace is so much more important than the content of whatever we’re fighting about. I met a man this summer who was going through a divorce, because (according to him) his wife wouldn’t agree to abide by a household budget. I am sure there was a second side of the story, but the story shocked me: Is getting divorced really better than hammering out a budget? And so many of our arguments are far more trivial: who was supposed to wash the dishes? Did I or didn’t I ask you to put the salt shaker away? We can argue about things that are truly trivial, and ruin our relationship with the argument. We need to remember that our relationship—our marriage, our community—is so much more valuable than the trivial thing we’re arguing over.
So putting my honor aside, putting aside the fact that I may have been right and may still be right, and doing what it takes to create peace. If I have hurt someone’s feelings, even if they were oversensitive or just plain wrong, I dig up my humility and find something I can apologize for, even if just hurting their feelings. I admit they have a point, even if they don’t or even if it’s not a very good one. I place peace above all else.
2. Flexibility
The second way we defuse situations is with flexibility.
One piece of advice the Talmud teaches us is that we should be flexible like a reed and not stiff like a cedar. In fact, the Talmud tells us, the reed is used for writing Torahs because of this feature. Torah observance is not about maintaining an absolute position, being right and making no space for other opinions. It is about flexibility, creating a respectful dialogue with people I disagree with.
Being flexible means when I first say what I think, I should build some flexibility into it. I should never issue ultimatims, draw lines in the sand that I then obligate myself to act on.
Being flexible also means that even if I did issue an ultimatum, I should find a way to back down, to de-escalate.
Baba Metzia starts out: 2 people (they are anonymous, but let’s call them Hymie and Shlomy) are holding on to a tallis, this says “I found it,” and so does the other, this one says “it’s all mine,” and so does the other. So what do they do? They both take an oath “that I own no less than half of it,” and split it.
Interesting oath: each one really believes he owns the whole thing, so the oath is worded very precisely, “I own at least half.” It creates a framework where they can split it, respecting each of their viewpoints. When Hymie says “I own at least half,” he isn’t saying anything he doesn’t believe, but he also isn’t speaking his full truth. He is backing down a little bit, to make room for Shloimy’s claim.
When Hymie backs down, it makes space for Shloimy to say what he believes, at least a little bit. Both of them start to speak their truth.
Like Hymie with his tallis, to get my way a little bit, and also make room for the other person’s position.
We have a lot of compromises here at FJC; some people would say it makes us schizophrenic, like we can’t make up our mind. One day we have a mehitza, one day we don’t; one day women are opening the Torah, the next they are not.
To some people, compromise looks weak, wishy washy. Some people think you shouldn’t back down from your word, once a threat has been made they have to carry it through. And in fact, the Torah talks about vows, and the obligation to carry them through.
There is a horrible episode in the Bible (Judges 11:4-5):
Jepthath is fighting a war against the Ammonites, and he needs God’s help to win it.
So Jepthath makes a bargain with God.
He says, “hey God, if you give me this victory...then I’ll sacrifice to you the first thing that comes out of my house.”
Jepthath wins the victory, goes home to celebrate...and low and behold his daughter comes running out of his house first to greet him.
Jepthath is horrified, but he knows what he has to do...so he sacrifices her to God just like he promised.
Really, this is an example of the terrible consequences of always following your word, even for the bad, of strictly holding the course, of never backing down.
Judaism says the opposite: it says that flexibility is the only way to be a holy vessel.
backing down shows that we can accommodate different people, and keep peace between them. The beauty of the Talmud is that rabbis disagreed, and they never killed each other over their disagreement. By allowing space for other opinions, they opened the door for a different voices, and for dialogue, which only happens when you have more than one voice.
3. Forgetting
Finally, we defuse situations with the human power of forgetting.
The midrash teaches that every human capacity was given to us for us to sanctify it, for us to use for a holy purpose. The feel-good emotions are easy to understand: We can sanctify our love by loving God, loving our spouses and our neighbors. We can sanctify our anger by being angry at evil, and at our own capacity for evil. We can sanctify jealousy by being jealous of other peoples’ learning and mitzvot.
So why do we have the capacity to forget? How can that serve a holy purpose? So we can forget the wrongs done to us by others. Just as God forgets our own sins, we need to forget the things others have done which upset us, in order to continue our relationships.
In fact, this is one meaning of the term kapparah, as in Yom Kippur. Kapporet was the curtain that covered the Holy of Holies, sealing it from any possible contamination. We pray for God to cover and pass over our sins.
There is an interesting mitzvah in the Torah from the time of the camp in the desert. The Jews are told, when they need to attend to their personal needs, they should go outside the camp and dig a hole with a spade. Doing this they keep filth out of the camp, they keep the camp holy.
Jorge Luis Borges tells the story of Funes the Memorius, a man who could remember every single detail of his outer and inner life. “He was able to reconstruct every dream, every daydream he had ever had. Two or three times he reconstructed an entire day…but each reconstruction had itself taken an entire day. ‘I, myself, alone, have more memories than all mankind since the world began’…and also…’my memory, sir, is like a garbage heap.” Funes was crippled by a horseback accident, but metaphorically, he was crippled by his perfect memory, by his inability to forget. Memory is a blessing and a curse. It defines us, helps us understand who we are, where we come from. But it also can paralyze us, make us unable to go forward into the future, to be open to the present. Relationships can survive only if we forget, cover up, move on.
There is value in covering over history, in forgetting and moving on. In fact, this is what we ask God to do today with our own sins, forget, move on, so we can have a fresh new year. And this is what we need to do in our relationships, too: forget what was said, forget what was done, move on, start a fresh new year.
Conclusion
The High Holiday season is about remembering our past year, our mistakes, trying to undo and fix those things we have done wrong.
In the book of jeremiah, God says “I remember the mercy of your youth.” May we remember with mercy, may we forgive, forget, move on, move forward with compassion, love & understanding.
It’s an interesting idea: the decree of the king cannot be taken back. Once the king issues a statement, he can’t back down, he can’t change his mind.
What a terrible policy! How can you run a kingdom if you can never revoke a decree?
It is a problem we also face in our own relationships. We say harsh words which are hard to take back. We take strong positions, and paint ourselves into a corner. How do I take back, “I will never do that,” or “you’d better do this”, “don’t you dare do that?”? How do I take back, “you disgust me?” or “I hate you”? Or “I’m not going to talk to you again.”
Once I have spoken a harsh word, it is hard to take it back, so how do I continue? If I say I absolutely will not go, how can I then compromise without appearing weak? If I say, “I hate it when you do …,” how can I then back down to, “I really love and appreciate you”? How do I kiss and make up when the past is still real.
I want to share some Jewish wisdom on this issue. The three teachings that I am bringing are about peace, flexibility, and the importance of forgetting.
1. Peace
To move on from a fight, we also need to remember that peace, according to Judaism, is valued above everything else. In the Sotah ritual, when a suspected adulteress is put to trial, as part of the ritual a cohen dissolves a parchment with the divine name in a bowl of water. The Talmud tells us, that peace is so valuable that God lets his own name be erased for the sake of peace. Domestic harmony is more important than God’s honor, and certainly more important than my own.
We often forget that peace is so much more important than the content of whatever we’re fighting about. I met a man this summer who was going through a divorce, because (according to him) his wife wouldn’t agree to abide by a household budget. I am sure there was a second side of the story, but the story shocked me: Is getting divorced really better than hammering out a budget? And so many of our arguments are far more trivial: who was supposed to wash the dishes? Did I or didn’t I ask you to put the salt shaker away? We can argue about things that are truly trivial, and ruin our relationship with the argument. We need to remember that our relationship—our marriage, our community—is so much more valuable than the trivial thing we’re arguing over.
So putting my honor aside, putting aside the fact that I may have been right and may still be right, and doing what it takes to create peace. If I have hurt someone’s feelings, even if they were oversensitive or just plain wrong, I dig up my humility and find something I can apologize for, even if just hurting their feelings. I admit they have a point, even if they don’t or even if it’s not a very good one. I place peace above all else.
2. Flexibility
The second way we defuse situations is with flexibility.
One piece of advice the Talmud teaches us is that we should be flexible like a reed and not stiff like a cedar. In fact, the Talmud tells us, the reed is used for writing Torahs because of this feature. Torah observance is not about maintaining an absolute position, being right and making no space for other opinions. It is about flexibility, creating a respectful dialogue with people I disagree with.
Being flexible means when I first say what I think, I should build some flexibility into it. I should never issue ultimatims, draw lines in the sand that I then obligate myself to act on.
Being flexible also means that even if I did issue an ultimatum, I should find a way to back down, to de-escalate.
Baba Metzia starts out: 2 people (they are anonymous, but let’s call them Hymie and Shlomy) are holding on to a tallis, this says “I found it,” and so does the other, this one says “it’s all mine,” and so does the other. So what do they do? They both take an oath “that I own no less than half of it,” and split it.
Interesting oath: each one really believes he owns the whole thing, so the oath is worded very precisely, “I own at least half.” It creates a framework where they can split it, respecting each of their viewpoints. When Hymie says “I own at least half,” he isn’t saying anything he doesn’t believe, but he also isn’t speaking his full truth. He is backing down a little bit, to make room for Shloimy’s claim.
When Hymie backs down, it makes space for Shloimy to say what he believes, at least a little bit. Both of them start to speak their truth.
Like Hymie with his tallis, to get my way a little bit, and also make room for the other person’s position.
We have a lot of compromises here at FJC; some people would say it makes us schizophrenic, like we can’t make up our mind. One day we have a mehitza, one day we don’t; one day women are opening the Torah, the next they are not.
To some people, compromise looks weak, wishy washy. Some people think you shouldn’t back down from your word, once a threat has been made they have to carry it through. And in fact, the Torah talks about vows, and the obligation to carry them through.
There is a horrible episode in the Bible (Judges 11:4-5):
Jepthath is fighting a war against the Ammonites, and he needs God’s help to win it.
So Jepthath makes a bargain with God.
He says, “hey God, if you give me this victory...then I’ll sacrifice to you the first thing that comes out of my house.”
Jepthath wins the victory, goes home to celebrate...and low and behold his daughter comes running out of his house first to greet him.
Jepthath is horrified, but he knows what he has to do...so he sacrifices her to God just like he promised.
Really, this is an example of the terrible consequences of always following your word, even for the bad, of strictly holding the course, of never backing down.
Judaism says the opposite: it says that flexibility is the only way to be a holy vessel.
backing down shows that we can accommodate different people, and keep peace between them. The beauty of the Talmud is that rabbis disagreed, and they never killed each other over their disagreement. By allowing space for other opinions, they opened the door for a different voices, and for dialogue, which only happens when you have more than one voice.
3. Forgetting
Finally, we defuse situations with the human power of forgetting.
The midrash teaches that every human capacity was given to us for us to sanctify it, for us to use for a holy purpose. The feel-good emotions are easy to understand: We can sanctify our love by loving God, loving our spouses and our neighbors. We can sanctify our anger by being angry at evil, and at our own capacity for evil. We can sanctify jealousy by being jealous of other peoples’ learning and mitzvot.
So why do we have the capacity to forget? How can that serve a holy purpose? So we can forget the wrongs done to us by others. Just as God forgets our own sins, we need to forget the things others have done which upset us, in order to continue our relationships.
In fact, this is one meaning of the term kapparah, as in Yom Kippur. Kapporet was the curtain that covered the Holy of Holies, sealing it from any possible contamination. We pray for God to cover and pass over our sins.
There is an interesting mitzvah in the Torah from the time of the camp in the desert. The Jews are told, when they need to attend to their personal needs, they should go outside the camp and dig a hole with a spade. Doing this they keep filth out of the camp, they keep the camp holy.
Jorge Luis Borges tells the story of Funes the Memorius, a man who could remember every single detail of his outer and inner life. “He was able to reconstruct every dream, every daydream he had ever had. Two or three times he reconstructed an entire day…but each reconstruction had itself taken an entire day. ‘I, myself, alone, have more memories than all mankind since the world began’…and also…’my memory, sir, is like a garbage heap.” Funes was crippled by a horseback accident, but metaphorically, he was crippled by his perfect memory, by his inability to forget. Memory is a blessing and a curse. It defines us, helps us understand who we are, where we come from. But it also can paralyze us, make us unable to go forward into the future, to be open to the present. Relationships can survive only if we forget, cover up, move on.
There is value in covering over history, in forgetting and moving on. In fact, this is what we ask God to do today with our own sins, forget, move on, so we can have a fresh new year. And this is what we need to do in our relationships, too: forget what was said, forget what was done, move on, start a fresh new year.
Conclusion
The High Holiday season is about remembering our past year, our mistakes, trying to undo and fix those things we have done wrong.
In the book of jeremiah, God says “I remember the mercy of your youth.” May we remember with mercy, may we forgive, forget, move on, move forward with compassion, love & understanding.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Syria: to bomb or not to bomb
The midrash tells us that adam was created alone, to teach that whoever kills one soul kills a whole world.
In Syria over past 2 ½ years, Bashar Assad has killed hundreds of thousands of worlds
100,000 dead in the civil war
Aug 21st: 1,400 dead from gas, including 400 children
Do we have a responsibility to respond?
We have a responsibility to speak out against evil when it can be heard
Talmud: Anytime somebody else does evil and I could have stopped them, if I don’t speak out, I’m responsible
Anytime someone insults another, or even speaks lashon hara about a third party, I am obligated to speak out.
Certainly our politicians have spoken out against Assad, and he hasn’t listened
Law of Rodef: Stop the pursuer—when someone is pursuing another person’s life, I have a responsibility to intervene
Also: Torah says do not stand idly by the blood of your neighbor
So yes: we have an obligation to stop a killer like Assad
It’s not just our own obligation
What about the UN, Europe? Why should we get involved when they don’t?
Pirke Avot: bemakom she-ein ish, sham tihye ish
If nobody else steps in, don’t blend in with the wall—
Have to stick your neck out,
can’t say, well they’re not doing it, why should I go out on a limb
BUT:
At what point do we say our resources are stretched too thin? Can we afford to be the world’s policeman?
Remember, federal budget is relying heavily on borrowed money—so we are spending money we don’t really have
Law of saving a life: no limit to the expense
Many people now say: halacha didn’t envision a day when we have such unlimited opportunities for saving lives
Can we afford –financially--to stop Assad?
The law of rodef—I do whatever is required to stop the pursuer
Not just a symbolic action
So what would it take to actually stop Assad, and can we afford that?
Will this just drag us into an endless, incredibly costly war like in Iraq & Afghanistan,
or Vietnam which started in 1964 with the Gulf of Tonkin resolution which was supposedly for limited strikes?
Can we actually accomplish the mission and leave?
That is a question for the military experts & politicians
From a jewish ethical perspective: to the extent that we are able to, we have an obligation to act
Especially if nobody else is willing to step up
If financially we can afford to stand up to Assad
Then from a moral perspective we can’t afford not to stand up to him
May we all have the courage to stand up to evil, to inhumanity,
On a global level,
And to any cruelty we witness in our own dealings,
In Syria over past 2 ½ years, Bashar Assad has killed hundreds of thousands of worlds
100,000 dead in the civil war
Aug 21st: 1,400 dead from gas, including 400 children
Do we have a responsibility to respond?
We have a responsibility to speak out against evil when it can be heard
Talmud: Anytime somebody else does evil and I could have stopped them, if I don’t speak out, I’m responsible
Anytime someone insults another, or even speaks lashon hara about a third party, I am obligated to speak out.
Certainly our politicians have spoken out against Assad, and he hasn’t listened
Law of Rodef: Stop the pursuer—when someone is pursuing another person’s life, I have a responsibility to intervene
Also: Torah says do not stand idly by the blood of your neighbor
So yes: we have an obligation to stop a killer like Assad
It’s not just our own obligation
What about the UN, Europe? Why should we get involved when they don’t?
Pirke Avot: bemakom she-ein ish, sham tihye ish
If nobody else steps in, don’t blend in with the wall—
Have to stick your neck out,
can’t say, well they’re not doing it, why should I go out on a limb
BUT:
At what point do we say our resources are stretched too thin? Can we afford to be the world’s policeman?
Remember, federal budget is relying heavily on borrowed money—so we are spending money we don’t really have
Law of saving a life: no limit to the expense
Many people now say: halacha didn’t envision a day when we have such unlimited opportunities for saving lives
Can we afford –financially--to stop Assad?
The law of rodef—I do whatever is required to stop the pursuer
Not just a symbolic action
So what would it take to actually stop Assad, and can we afford that?
Will this just drag us into an endless, incredibly costly war like in Iraq & Afghanistan,
or Vietnam which started in 1964 with the Gulf of Tonkin resolution which was supposedly for limited strikes?
Can we actually accomplish the mission and leave?
That is a question for the military experts & politicians
From a jewish ethical perspective: to the extent that we are able to, we have an obligation to act
Especially if nobody else is willing to step up
If financially we can afford to stand up to Assad
Then from a moral perspective we can’t afford not to stand up to him
May we all have the courage to stand up to evil, to inhumanity,
On a global level,
And to any cruelty we witness in our own dealings,
Rosh Hashanah 5774: Where does this road lead?
Where Does this Road Lead?
I want to share a painful story today, one that strikes home for me. This is about something very mundane: the traffic intersection a block away, at Ocean & church. I cross it a couple times every day. I cross it with my wife, with my daughter, with congregants. As anyone knows who has tried to cross it, it is terribly dangerous: drivers turning from Church Ave are in a rush to get on the expressway, with only you standing in their way.
On June 22, I was crossing Ocean parkway with a congregant, and I asked, in an off-hand remark, does someone have to die before they make intersection safer? She said, probably.
Two days later, a local resident, Ngozi Agbim, was struck & killed crossing Ocean parkway
It turns out, this is not a new issue. Between 1995 and 2008, 4 people were killed and 36 struck. I myself saw a cyclist struck by a car, and helped him get back up; the car that struck him honked and the driver swore at the cyclist while speeding off. Brad Lander’s office received $200,000 a few years ago to work on improving the safety, but nothing happened. The various commissions and citizens groups are at a total impasse.
So why haven’t the politicians resolved it? Because all of the solutions seemed unfeasible. A pedestrian bridge would be tens of millions of dollars, so it’s not happening. Changing the traffic patterns would require traffic engineers, cooperation with different agencies, reprogramming all the lights down Ocean parkway, so it’s not happening.
Why can politicians afford to sit on their hands? Because they are not the ones risking their lives crossing Ocean parkway. They do not cross it on Shabbes with their wife, with their daughter. They are not the ones whose lives are at risk. It is an abstraction to them, and we don’t tend to act strongly on abstractions.
I raise this not to talk specifically about that intersection, but to raise a braoder question: When do we say “enough is enough”? When do we stop enduring the pain of a given situation, and decide to break through the inertia and act? Often we sit on our hands waiting for things to get better, because we feel like doing anything else seems too difficult.
The natural course of things is that we do not change our ways until the situation is absolutely intolerable. We delay until the pain of inaction outweighs the perceived difficulty of acting. It’s not that we don’t know there’s an issue, it’s that we can’t get ourselves to commit to a solution until we really have to. With alcoholics, this is called hitting rock bottom.
The problem is, with many issues, once we get to that point there may be no turning back. The destruction may be permanent.
The approach, that advocated by our tradition, is to try to see the future. No, of course we can’t see the future, but we can ask ourselves what will happen if we continue to lead our life the way we are leading it? The tradition teaches us to make decisions based not on how it feels right now, but on where the path I am walking will end up.
Pirke Avot says “who is wise? He who sees the new moon.” Imagine looking on a moonless night, and knowing the new moon will come. Knowing what’s coming down the road. Pirke Avot is saying, make your decisions based on where your decisions will take you down the road. Change before you actually hit painful, intolerable consequences.
We sometimes talk about teshuvah as repenting, getting past a particular sin. But teshuvah literally means turning—turning, in our life, toward a pathway of righteousness, of mercy. What road am I going to take? I can turn, make sure my path is going in the right direction, even if I haven’t sinned. I can change habits before they become an issue, before I suffer terrible consequences.
I want to talk about two specific areas where I see this phenomenon: the first example is on a global level, and the second is in our homes.
The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration recently measured atmospheric levels of CO2 at 400 ppm. This is a first, for recent history. The last time it was at that level was 2.5 million years ago, during the Pleistocene Epoch, when temperatures rose as much as 18 degrees Fahrenheit, and sea levels ranged between 16-131 feet higher than current levels. If we wait until it is really intolerable, until New York gets flooded every few months, it may be too late to reverse it. Sea levels are going to rise, maybe 6 feet, maybe 13, maybe 30, depending who you ask and how far out you extend the predictions.
Why don’t we switch from a carbon based economy? Germany has done it. Meanwhile we pursue other sources of carbon emissions, poisoning our ground to dig for gas. Why don’t we change?
We don’t change because the perceived cost of change is so enormous. We don’t want to give up our cars. We don’t want to invest millions in alternative energy. We don’t want to be bothered. And because any terrible consequences are down the road, around the bend, so they don’t seem real. My car is real, I don’t want to give it up. Global food shortages and flooding are abstract and sound like the ravings of extremists, so I don’t really believe in them. I certainly don’t want to pay more taxes to pay for alternative energy sources—money is real, the environment is quaint. So we sit on our hands, live our lives as usual, and pump more carbon into the atmosphere, making it much harder to fix it down the road.
Another area I see this issue is in our relationships.
“White Men Can’t Jump” is a movie about 2 basketball hustlers, Sydney and Billy. Billy is constantly making wagers and losing money, and Gloria wants Billy to stop losing money on basketball, to stop betting money.
There is a great piece of wisdom in the movie from Sydney, Billy’s teammate and rival. Sydney tells him to “listen to the woman.” Sydney then baits him into a wager that Billy can’t slam dunk, and Billy loses all his money on that wager. He didn’t listen to the woman. In the final scene, we see Gloria rollerskating off into the sunset. Billy should have listened to her.
Typically, when couples come for marriage counseling, it is too late—they are coming on heels of years of miscommunication & resentments. They haven’t been listening to each other for years. I know of one marriage therapist who after years of being unable to help patients fix their relationships, changed strategies. Now, instead of relationship therapy, she helps them with the pain of getting divorced. Because by the time people go to therapy, it is often too late. Resentments, inattention, cruelty have been lingering, festering for years, only increasing the negative feelings.
If I am in a relationship, a friendship, a marriage, I could tolerate okay, and believe things won’t get worse. Or I can work now to make my spouse happy, to shower them with love and attention.
Can we take our spouses requests, complaints seriously? Can we address minor issues before they become major? Can we heal our relationships before they actually deteriorate?
Ezehu ashir, haroeh et hanolad
Who is rich? He who sees what’s coming, who plans a course of action based on the long term results.
May we all have the wisdom to live lives which bring about long term healing, blessing and peace,
To take seriously the dangers facing our planet, and the issues facing our homes, our relationships,
And to be brave and humble in making whatever changes we need, to creating the brightest future we can,
to write ourselves into the book of life for the upcoming year.
Lshanah tovah tchateymu
I want to share a painful story today, one that strikes home for me. This is about something very mundane: the traffic intersection a block away, at Ocean & church. I cross it a couple times every day. I cross it with my wife, with my daughter, with congregants. As anyone knows who has tried to cross it, it is terribly dangerous: drivers turning from Church Ave are in a rush to get on the expressway, with only you standing in their way.
On June 22, I was crossing Ocean parkway with a congregant, and I asked, in an off-hand remark, does someone have to die before they make intersection safer? She said, probably.
Two days later, a local resident, Ngozi Agbim, was struck & killed crossing Ocean parkway
It turns out, this is not a new issue. Between 1995 and 2008, 4 people were killed and 36 struck. I myself saw a cyclist struck by a car, and helped him get back up; the car that struck him honked and the driver swore at the cyclist while speeding off. Brad Lander’s office received $200,000 a few years ago to work on improving the safety, but nothing happened. The various commissions and citizens groups are at a total impasse.
So why haven’t the politicians resolved it? Because all of the solutions seemed unfeasible. A pedestrian bridge would be tens of millions of dollars, so it’s not happening. Changing the traffic patterns would require traffic engineers, cooperation with different agencies, reprogramming all the lights down Ocean parkway, so it’s not happening.
Why can politicians afford to sit on their hands? Because they are not the ones risking their lives crossing Ocean parkway. They do not cross it on Shabbes with their wife, with their daughter. They are not the ones whose lives are at risk. It is an abstraction to them, and we don’t tend to act strongly on abstractions.
I raise this not to talk specifically about that intersection, but to raise a braoder question: When do we say “enough is enough”? When do we stop enduring the pain of a given situation, and decide to break through the inertia and act? Often we sit on our hands waiting for things to get better, because we feel like doing anything else seems too difficult.
The natural course of things is that we do not change our ways until the situation is absolutely intolerable. We delay until the pain of inaction outweighs the perceived difficulty of acting. It’s not that we don’t know there’s an issue, it’s that we can’t get ourselves to commit to a solution until we really have to. With alcoholics, this is called hitting rock bottom.
The problem is, with many issues, once we get to that point there may be no turning back. The destruction may be permanent.
The approach, that advocated by our tradition, is to try to see the future. No, of course we can’t see the future, but we can ask ourselves what will happen if we continue to lead our life the way we are leading it? The tradition teaches us to make decisions based not on how it feels right now, but on where the path I am walking will end up.
Pirke Avot says “who is wise? He who sees the new moon.” Imagine looking on a moonless night, and knowing the new moon will come. Knowing what’s coming down the road. Pirke Avot is saying, make your decisions based on where your decisions will take you down the road. Change before you actually hit painful, intolerable consequences.
We sometimes talk about teshuvah as repenting, getting past a particular sin. But teshuvah literally means turning—turning, in our life, toward a pathway of righteousness, of mercy. What road am I going to take? I can turn, make sure my path is going in the right direction, even if I haven’t sinned. I can change habits before they become an issue, before I suffer terrible consequences.
I want to talk about two specific areas where I see this phenomenon: the first example is on a global level, and the second is in our homes.
The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration recently measured atmospheric levels of CO2 at 400 ppm. This is a first, for recent history. The last time it was at that level was 2.5 million years ago, during the Pleistocene Epoch, when temperatures rose as much as 18 degrees Fahrenheit, and sea levels ranged between 16-131 feet higher than current levels. If we wait until it is really intolerable, until New York gets flooded every few months, it may be too late to reverse it. Sea levels are going to rise, maybe 6 feet, maybe 13, maybe 30, depending who you ask and how far out you extend the predictions.
Why don’t we switch from a carbon based economy? Germany has done it. Meanwhile we pursue other sources of carbon emissions, poisoning our ground to dig for gas. Why don’t we change?
We don’t change because the perceived cost of change is so enormous. We don’t want to give up our cars. We don’t want to invest millions in alternative energy. We don’t want to be bothered. And because any terrible consequences are down the road, around the bend, so they don’t seem real. My car is real, I don’t want to give it up. Global food shortages and flooding are abstract and sound like the ravings of extremists, so I don’t really believe in them. I certainly don’t want to pay more taxes to pay for alternative energy sources—money is real, the environment is quaint. So we sit on our hands, live our lives as usual, and pump more carbon into the atmosphere, making it much harder to fix it down the road.
Another area I see this issue is in our relationships.
“White Men Can’t Jump” is a movie about 2 basketball hustlers, Sydney and Billy. Billy is constantly making wagers and losing money, and Gloria wants Billy to stop losing money on basketball, to stop betting money.
There is a great piece of wisdom in the movie from Sydney, Billy’s teammate and rival. Sydney tells him to “listen to the woman.” Sydney then baits him into a wager that Billy can’t slam dunk, and Billy loses all his money on that wager. He didn’t listen to the woman. In the final scene, we see Gloria rollerskating off into the sunset. Billy should have listened to her.
Typically, when couples come for marriage counseling, it is too late—they are coming on heels of years of miscommunication & resentments. They haven’t been listening to each other for years. I know of one marriage therapist who after years of being unable to help patients fix their relationships, changed strategies. Now, instead of relationship therapy, she helps them with the pain of getting divorced. Because by the time people go to therapy, it is often too late. Resentments, inattention, cruelty have been lingering, festering for years, only increasing the negative feelings.
If I am in a relationship, a friendship, a marriage, I could tolerate okay, and believe things won’t get worse. Or I can work now to make my spouse happy, to shower them with love and attention.
Can we take our spouses requests, complaints seriously? Can we address minor issues before they become major? Can we heal our relationships before they actually deteriorate?
Ezehu ashir, haroeh et hanolad
Who is rich? He who sees what’s coming, who plans a course of action based on the long term results.
May we all have the wisdom to live lives which bring about long term healing, blessing and peace,
To take seriously the dangers facing our planet, and the issues facing our homes, our relationships,
And to be brave and humble in making whatever changes we need, to creating the brightest future we can,
to write ourselves into the book of life for the upcoming year.
Lshanah tovah tchateymu
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Teshuvah: from survival to meaning
Shanah Tovah!
High Holidays are just about upon us, and I am looking forward to sharing a joyous and inspiring New Year’s season together. I am looking forward to seeing everyone over the holiday season, as well as at the classes and other programs we are planning after that.
Rav Kook, the first chief rabbi of Israel, taught that teshuvah doesn’t only mean repentance, correcting faults from the past. It a trajectory of “turning” toward God, and can be done even when there is no particular sin or omission we are repenting for. Rabbi Avi Weiss has described this in terms of Zig Ziglar’s description of the human trajectory from survival to success to significance. Teshuvah is the motion from survival to success to significance.
Each of us, in our own lives, starts out trying to get by, trying to make a living. Moving out, we need to pay the rent, we need to make sure we know how to cook, at least how to boil an egg. That’s survival. Then we hopefully try to find a career which fits us well, many of us build a family, develop our lifelong friendships. This is success. After this we have room to ask the big questions: what am I accomplishing with my life? What benefit is my career, my existence, for others? This is leading a significant life, a life that makes an impact on others.
Israel, too, goes through these stages, to some extent simultaneously. Israel’s survival has always been threatened by her neighbors. In 1967 and in 1973, she was threatened and won, creating both a sense of hubris and also a realization of how precarious her existence is. Now Israel’s existence is threatened by Iran’s nuclear weapon program, and destroying Israel would make Iran the hero of the Arab world would. Survival is always an issue.
Israel has also thrived, especially recently in the high-tech boom: Israel has more companies listed on the NYSE than all countries except the US and China. Tel Aviv is a major development center for Microsoft and other high tech companies, trailing only Silicon Valley. Israel is a thriving, innovative success story.
And Israel is also an amazing country from a level of significance, what kind of values she embodies as a country. What other country, after conquering a territory (the West Bank), would let the original residents remain in their homes in peace and relative autonomy? In what other country would an airplane turn back to the gate to pick up a child for summer camp? Inbar Chomsky, a 7-year old child with cancer, missed her flight to the US for summer camp this past August, because she couldn’t find her passport. When another child on the aircraft found it in their own backpack, the airplane turned back to the gate to fetch Inbar. Where else would that happen?
Our synagogue, too, is climbing this ladder. We are surviving, with the hard work of our board, Cantor Schwartz, Menachem Kaisler, and all of our devoted volunteers. We are serving our congregants, offering daily minyan, different options on Shabbat, as well as a wonderfully fun weekly tot Shabbat. But can we become a synagogue of significance, where each of us strives not only to be served, but to serve each other? Can we be a place where our deepest Torah is lived through the way we relate to each other? This is the challenge of teshuvah.
I am looking forward to sharing a joyous and inspirational holiday season with you, and hope you take advantage of all the things we are offering throughout the upcoming year.
High Holiday Observances
Tashlich—at some point during the 10 days, we go to a body of water and symbolically cast in our sins. Bread is not so healthy to geese, so we should probably do it symbolically or with very small amounts. We will be doing Tashlich together on the first day of Rosh Hashanah, at the corner of Prospect park.
Kappores—it is customary to symbolically place one’s sins on a chicken, shecht it, and then donate it to a poor person. Kappores can also be done onto money and given to tzedakah.
Teshuvah—We should use this time to take stock of our personal habits, and identify ways we can improve. We should also try to reach out to people we may have hurt or offended, or who hurt us, or who just drifted away, to repair our relationships. Remember, according to the Ramchal, even such a reaction as not calling somebody because of something in the past is considered a forbidden grudge!
Selichot—we will say special selichot prayers each morning before shacharit.
Tzedakah—it is good to give extra tzedakah during this time. There is a custom to collect tzedakah right at the beginning of Kol Nidre, and I encourage you to bring either cash to deposit in the pushke on your way in.
When Yontiff and Shabbat are next to each other
Sukkot is right before Shabbat this year, which adds some complexity to the observance. We are allowed to cook on yontiff, but technically we should prepare for Shabbat before yontiff. The solution is to prepare an eruv tavshilin, a small amount of cooked food (e.g. an egg and piece of bread) before yontiff. This food is for Shabbat, and shows that we started preparing for Shabbat before yontiff.
Candles--since we are allowed to transfer fire on yontiff but not on Shabbat, and we cannot light fire, we have a 24-hour candle burning during yontiff. On the night starting the 2nd day of yontiff, hadlakat nerot is later to ensure that it is truly the 2nd day. This is done by lighting a match from the existing candle, and lighting the yontiff candles (and a new 24-hour candle) from the existing flame. On Friday evening, however, hadlakat nerot is early to insure that we don’t light fire on Shabbat.
Sukkot Observance
It is a mitzvah to eat 14 meals in the Sukkah—in other words, at least lunch & dinner each day of the week. The more time we spend in it (learning, sleeping, etc.) the better. We also have a mitzvah to bensch lulav each day, so I strongly encourage you to participate in Mr. Kaisler’s lulav/etrog sale.
Sukkot are relatively easy to build; I recommend wood (using a power drill) or PVC (which just snaps together). The wall can be made of anything. The top needs to be made of natural material; cornstalks are ideal. If you do not have anywhere to build a sukkah, feel free to use our own lovely sukkah here at FJC; let me know when you will need it so we can be sure the building is open.
High Holidays are just about upon us, and I am looking forward to sharing a joyous and inspiring New Year’s season together. I am looking forward to seeing everyone over the holiday season, as well as at the classes and other programs we are planning after that.
Rav Kook, the first chief rabbi of Israel, taught that teshuvah doesn’t only mean repentance, correcting faults from the past. It a trajectory of “turning” toward God, and can be done even when there is no particular sin or omission we are repenting for. Rabbi Avi Weiss has described this in terms of Zig Ziglar’s description of the human trajectory from survival to success to significance. Teshuvah is the motion from survival to success to significance.
Each of us, in our own lives, starts out trying to get by, trying to make a living. Moving out, we need to pay the rent, we need to make sure we know how to cook, at least how to boil an egg. That’s survival. Then we hopefully try to find a career which fits us well, many of us build a family, develop our lifelong friendships. This is success. After this we have room to ask the big questions: what am I accomplishing with my life? What benefit is my career, my existence, for others? This is leading a significant life, a life that makes an impact on others.
Israel, too, goes through these stages, to some extent simultaneously. Israel’s survival has always been threatened by her neighbors. In 1967 and in 1973, she was threatened and won, creating both a sense of hubris and also a realization of how precarious her existence is. Now Israel’s existence is threatened by Iran’s nuclear weapon program, and destroying Israel would make Iran the hero of the Arab world would. Survival is always an issue.
Israel has also thrived, especially recently in the high-tech boom: Israel has more companies listed on the NYSE than all countries except the US and China. Tel Aviv is a major development center for Microsoft and other high tech companies, trailing only Silicon Valley. Israel is a thriving, innovative success story.
And Israel is also an amazing country from a level of significance, what kind of values she embodies as a country. What other country, after conquering a territory (the West Bank), would let the original residents remain in their homes in peace and relative autonomy? In what other country would an airplane turn back to the gate to pick up a child for summer camp? Inbar Chomsky, a 7-year old child with cancer, missed her flight to the US for summer camp this past August, because she couldn’t find her passport. When another child on the aircraft found it in their own backpack, the airplane turned back to the gate to fetch Inbar. Where else would that happen?
Our synagogue, too, is climbing this ladder. We are surviving, with the hard work of our board, Cantor Schwartz, Menachem Kaisler, and all of our devoted volunteers. We are serving our congregants, offering daily minyan, different options on Shabbat, as well as a wonderfully fun weekly tot Shabbat. But can we become a synagogue of significance, where each of us strives not only to be served, but to serve each other? Can we be a place where our deepest Torah is lived through the way we relate to each other? This is the challenge of teshuvah.
I am looking forward to sharing a joyous and inspirational holiday season with you, and hope you take advantage of all the things we are offering throughout the upcoming year.
High Holiday Observances
Tashlich—at some point during the 10 days, we go to a body of water and symbolically cast in our sins. Bread is not so healthy to geese, so we should probably do it symbolically or with very small amounts. We will be doing Tashlich together on the first day of Rosh Hashanah, at the corner of Prospect park.
Kappores—it is customary to symbolically place one’s sins on a chicken, shecht it, and then donate it to a poor person. Kappores can also be done onto money and given to tzedakah.
Teshuvah—We should use this time to take stock of our personal habits, and identify ways we can improve. We should also try to reach out to people we may have hurt or offended, or who hurt us, or who just drifted away, to repair our relationships. Remember, according to the Ramchal, even such a reaction as not calling somebody because of something in the past is considered a forbidden grudge!
Selichot—we will say special selichot prayers each morning before shacharit.
Tzedakah—it is good to give extra tzedakah during this time. There is a custom to collect tzedakah right at the beginning of Kol Nidre, and I encourage you to bring either cash to deposit in the pushke on your way in.
When Yontiff and Shabbat are next to each other
Sukkot is right before Shabbat this year, which adds some complexity to the observance. We are allowed to cook on yontiff, but technically we should prepare for Shabbat before yontiff. The solution is to prepare an eruv tavshilin, a small amount of cooked food (e.g. an egg and piece of bread) before yontiff. This food is for Shabbat, and shows that we started preparing for Shabbat before yontiff.
Candles--since we are allowed to transfer fire on yontiff but not on Shabbat, and we cannot light fire, we have a 24-hour candle burning during yontiff. On the night starting the 2nd day of yontiff, hadlakat nerot is later to ensure that it is truly the 2nd day. This is done by lighting a match from the existing candle, and lighting the yontiff candles (and a new 24-hour candle) from the existing flame. On Friday evening, however, hadlakat nerot is early to insure that we don’t light fire on Shabbat.
Sukkot Observance
It is a mitzvah to eat 14 meals in the Sukkah—in other words, at least lunch & dinner each day of the week. The more time we spend in it (learning, sleeping, etc.) the better. We also have a mitzvah to bensch lulav each day, so I strongly encourage you to participate in Mr. Kaisler’s lulav/etrog sale.
Sukkot are relatively easy to build; I recommend wood (using a power drill) or PVC (which just snaps together). The wall can be made of anything. The top needs to be made of natural material; cornstalks are ideal. If you do not have anywhere to build a sukkah, feel free to use our own lovely sukkah here at FJC; let me know when you will need it so we can be sure the building is open.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Judaism and the "right to stand your ground"
The George Zimmerman verdict is
Scary: opens door to vigilantes,
to becoming the wild west all over.
Whether or not jury was right there’s no just result
“right to stand your ground”
If you think about it, any time 2 people believe they have a "right to stand their ground," you end up with escalating conflict. When I imagine what happened that night (and I admit this is my own imaginative reconstruction), I imagine 2 people each thinking they are just standing their ground. Zimmerman, believing he had a right to protect his community against someone he thought seemed suspicious, even if only because of the color of his skin and his clothing style. And Martin, believing he had a right to protect himself against someone who seemed to be stalking him
When 2 people stand their ground, you have a stand off where only 1 person can win
There’s always a loser,
Since nobody wants to lose, so each person raises the stakes--there is a mutual escalation.
In this case, the stakes were raised so high that at least according to zimmerman’s testimony, only 1 of them would come out alive
Nobody felt an obligation to stand down, to de-escalate,
to walk away, which was what the dispatcher had told Zimmerman to do
It was a tragic inability to de-escalate
This is the problem with the whole attitude of "standing your ground."
“Standing your ground” is not a jewish value
Talmud: Jerusalem destroyed because people insisted on their legal rights—
let’s say shimon owed rubin 10 zuz, but shimon only had 9
so rubin insisted on the full 10 zuz
Rubin wouldn’t compromise.
Rubin was right halachically—but he was wrong because he wouldn’t compromise
And for this Jerusalem was destroyed
In jewish court proceedings, too, the court is instructed to try to negotiate a settlement first
And only then to adjudicate
The whole idea of a settlement is that it’s not necessarily what the halacha calls for
It’s about making peace between the two sides
Because the world survives through peace, not through who’s wight or wrong
Any of us who are married or have been know this
How long would a marriage survive if spouses stood their ground
If spouses always insisted on having their way?
Here at FJC, we are trying to build a spiritual community
It’s a lot like a mixed marriage—we’ve got traditionalist and progressive jews
Which creates a beautiful challenge
the rules we davven by, whether we have a mechitza or not,
Are far less important than how we treat each other,
Whether we care for each other, and treat each other respectfully.
Any win-lose struggle is really a lose-lose struggle
Any time we have a conflict and one sides wins, really both sides lose.
May we all learn
To be more gentle, more understanding, and willing to always seek compromise, to find solutions by which everyone comes out feeling good about what we are building together.
Scary: opens door to vigilantes,
to becoming the wild west all over.
Whether or not jury was right there’s no just result
“right to stand your ground”
If you think about it, any time 2 people believe they have a "right to stand their ground," you end up with escalating conflict. When I imagine what happened that night (and I admit this is my own imaginative reconstruction), I imagine 2 people each thinking they are just standing their ground. Zimmerman, believing he had a right to protect his community against someone he thought seemed suspicious, even if only because of the color of his skin and his clothing style. And Martin, believing he had a right to protect himself against someone who seemed to be stalking him
When 2 people stand their ground, you have a stand off where only 1 person can win
There’s always a loser,
Since nobody wants to lose, so each person raises the stakes--there is a mutual escalation.
In this case, the stakes were raised so high that at least according to zimmerman’s testimony, only 1 of them would come out alive
Nobody felt an obligation to stand down, to de-escalate,
to walk away, which was what the dispatcher had told Zimmerman to do
It was a tragic inability to de-escalate
This is the problem with the whole attitude of "standing your ground."
“Standing your ground” is not a jewish value
Talmud: Jerusalem destroyed because people insisted on their legal rights—
let’s say shimon owed rubin 10 zuz, but shimon only had 9
so rubin insisted on the full 10 zuz
Rubin wouldn’t compromise.
Rubin was right halachically—but he was wrong because he wouldn’t compromise
And for this Jerusalem was destroyed
In jewish court proceedings, too, the court is instructed to try to negotiate a settlement first
And only then to adjudicate
The whole idea of a settlement is that it’s not necessarily what the halacha calls for
It’s about making peace between the two sides
Because the world survives through peace, not through who’s wight or wrong
Any of us who are married or have been know this
How long would a marriage survive if spouses stood their ground
If spouses always insisted on having their way?
Here at FJC, we are trying to build a spiritual community
It’s a lot like a mixed marriage—we’ve got traditionalist and progressive jews
Which creates a beautiful challenge
the rules we davven by, whether we have a mechitza or not,
Are far less important than how we treat each other,
Whether we care for each other, and treat each other respectfully.
Any win-lose struggle is really a lose-lose struggle
Any time we have a conflict and one sides wins, really both sides lose.
May we all learn
To be more gentle, more understanding, and willing to always seek compromise, to find solutions by which everyone comes out feeling good about what we are building together.
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